May 2012: I’ve never had enough yet.
‘Darling, I have not caught whiff of your perfume or sight of your direct self in three weeks. I would enjoy a real conversation with mutually smiling teeth. Your friend can be in town, even that kind of friend, and it changes not my yen. But I desire the luxury of your proximity as like to turn me mad. ‘
It did not work of course but I was more satisfied in my words than she’d have made me.
(Said the fox too short to reach tall grapes.)
- I want to text or message her. In the morning I’ll likely realize I have.
I’ve never had enough yet.
Everything is stupid, and I hate it.
When you’re from Odessa, you know your city & its people are every bit the equal Of Midland & its denizens, & less snobby about it, too. But in your heart lurks the suspicion that their pity & disdain are well-placed, and in the back of your mind you remember that to everyone else outside, Midland is just full of dumb hicks, anyway.
- ‘I nearly drank myself to death last nite.’
- ‘Oh my God! What happened?’
- ‘Some damn fool used a stomach pump on me.’
- ——I hope so!
- Everything ends, but especially you.
- ——A rose by any other name might smell as good but not if you thought you weren’t supposed to.
- Dark matter might be matter from another nearby universe interacting with ours somehow that we can’t detect. Wouldn’t that be a hell of a thing?
- —— I admit sometimes to wishing there were a God up there watching over us at all times that He might one day look down on me & recoil in disgust.
- ‘It isn’t worth it!’ she said, wrapping her body around one of his arms.
- ‘What? he asked. ‘Fighting him, going to jail or you?’
- ‘Yes,’ she said.
- —— Dear Ashley, my darling
- ——You know I never minded if
- ——You were someone else’s darling.
- I’ll be goddamned if I
- let myself go to sleep
- sober tonite.
- ——I wonder if it’s
- ——terribly selfish of me
- ——to wish my grandfather would
- ——go ahead and die already or
- ——if everyone else is for
- ——not letting him.
- In East Texas, things are
- green, and this is amazing, but
- only because I’m from West
- ——I bought two pretty girls
- ——A drink of their choice
- ——but didn’t sit down or
- ——talk to them. When they
- ——Finished the drinks &
- ——had a few more they came
- ——to me to ask why I’d done
- ——it. ‘Because you’re pretty
- ——& want free drinks & to be
- ——complimented but left alone.’
- ——And pretty girls should get
- ——What they want because
- ——they won’t long be pretty.
- They Great American Novel
- requires an exceptional person
- do something fresh.
- —— ‘I think blood is sexy,’ she said.
- ——He said, ‘I think it’s just blood.’
- ——Sleep is brother
- ——to death & an in-law
- ——to obligation.
- I’m more happy &
- excited to drink alone
- than any other thing
- but fucking.
- ——I mean, partly
- ——I agree with
- ——what you’re saying
- Napkin is the only meter I know — a summer Saturday night in Longview, Texas.
Bible lessons, and observations in a church of gentrified decay.
- It’s not necessarily true to say the God of the Bible abhors child sacrifice. Certainly he despises sacrifices of all kinds to other deities, and child sacrifices, esp. of the first born, most of all, but only because they’re the most potent. But He asked Abraham to slaughter his only legitimate son, and this was just a test we’re made to know, but we have no reason to think Abraham thought he wouldn’t have to go through with it.
- The absence of any push-back from Abraham is also interesting. We watched Abraham haggle with God for the lives of the citizens of Sodom and get God to accept something less than what He originally asked. You wonder that Abraham didn’t test God back on this point.
- Later, if we want to pretend a consistent cross-work characterization Ezekiel is able to talk God out of having him cook food over human shit in favor of cattle shit. Which either means God is open to dialogue on these matters or He was just tempting Ezekiel and asked him to do something that was immoral, or maybe he just told Israelites something was a terrible sin that He didn’t ever actually care about.
- ——If we are to say, ‘Well, God would never ask us to do something contrary to His word,’ this assumes the Word itself not to sometimes be contrary & ignores /numerous/ instances where God asks of people or reveals to them something supposedly new. For example, when Peter is told everything is in play dietarily, this is justifiably quite a shock to him.
- ——Suppose a new vision came exhorting cannibalism?
- ——Even for that which is already in the Bible, has God not told people to do things we would now consider horrific, and on a scale and of a variety to make one rightfully shudder?
- I suppose the most vivid association I make now with the story of Abraham and Isaac is that of [ommitted]. He cut off his mother’s head with a butcher knife and killed the pet dog so she’d have a guardian on her way to heaven. He was not an evil person; he just heard a voice command him and like the best figures in the Bible, he obeyed.
- If you ever hear God leading you to do something, if you hear Him command you a thing, seek help. Because God has a tendency to tell people to do things no one ever should do.
In this ceremony & recognition of marriages of more than 50 years, one sees the dwindling of the white Protestant middle class stock in pure demographic arithmetic. The generation with 12 siblings & eight surviving beyond childhood gave birth only to four or two or one, and so did their children, or to none at all. One great-grandchild is a net negative across generations.
(But then there’s more to life than shooting DNA at one another, isn’t there?)
- Many marriages are not happy & in the past were not. Infidelity, abuse boredom — all existed in the past as well. But people were happier when there was less freedom, or at least they thought there wasn’t.
- When divorce was not an option, when the ambition of marriage inevitable, they lasted and people were OK with that. Or at least OK with being miserable.
- ——Do you want to stop the welfare & have kids wait longer to have sex & have women have less children, esp. out of wedlock? Send women to college for an education, make sure they’re mentally equipped to succeed at tertiary school and beyond. Women with dreams for where they’ll be at 30 don’t let every spurting dick come near their wombs.
- It’s amazing just how many people married more than 50 years ago have stories about how honeymoons lasted barely a weekend as one or both of them had to be at work by Tuesday at the latest.
- ——Without a second option, one can’t really be dissatisfied with anything.
- ——Want a stable, happy marriage? Arrange it, and hope neither party is a sociopath. [‘Game of Thrones’ ref.]
- Glory to God in the highest, ’cause Lord knows I couldn’t do it sober.
In the church you watch the
feeble wrinkled gray-hairs shuffle
in routine & obligation to invisible
cruelty & dictatorship. In the bar,
you watch the supple-skinned virile
fuck-machines waste the best they
have on liquor, each other & self
ruin. But if my liver fails before
they have to carry me where I
don’t want to go & accompany me
to piss, well, I hope it explodes.
Revision is good but conviction also is good.
If you’ve got the right pen(s), there’s almost nothing better to write on than a napkin. It’s disposable, but it’s final. You can scribble down any idea, no matter how silly, and it’ll stay there as it is, but toss away something bad, and you’ll feel no guilt. When you’ve spat out something that has no right to be so good, by all means, fold it up, put it in your pocket & take it home to work more on later. Ultimately, creativity needs an environment that doesn’t punish failure & allows success to later prosper.
There’s a screaming fun to being a wreck, and sometimes I hate it, but not today.
Long life without health is a curse, demonstrated no more clearly than in Swift’s great satire. Even to die full of years but long enfeebled is a hell befitting Dante.
The worst thing you can do with an ex-romantic partner is entertain notions that everything really will work out somehow if you just try again. Our fiction tells us this is so, but it isn’t. Relationships fail for very good reasons most of the time. An inability to recognize this is a sign of desperation, depression or depravity.
There’s no worse sin for a journalist than to be caught without a pen & paper except to have both & still not get a story.
Don’t be untrue yourself.
There’s nothing easier than hard work. There’s nothing harder than good work.
Haven’t you ever had a good reason to say ‘no’ to something good?
What more is there?
Haven’t you ever wanted to be an important person? (Mystery is erotic.)
My scrawl is quite pretty until I get a certain level of drunk.
Nothing is everything.
‘He never flew too high who flew on his own wings,’ but I wish I could remember what it is about me that makes women consider me so [illegible] once they’ve woken with me.
——I stink of Texas bar, which to me smells of sex.
——But not tonite, eh?
I feel anything I don’t want tomorrow.
——At some point after a woman says she’ll come over & doesn’t, I admit it’s a good thing & for the best because I want to smash her face in with a brick.
——In a romantic way. Of course.
Isnt it amazing what People used to look like Before they gained 150 pounds?