All coffee & whiskey & goddamn
I’m sick of spending all of time thinking about & telling myself I’m going to write something, then not.
I’m sick of wanting to be everywhere else that I ‘m not, and telling myself that if only, if only I had more time, or if only I werent spending so much of it with a girl or at a particular job, I’d be so much more creative & wonderful & live up to all of those expectations I have & others have for me.
But here I sit at a bar, drinking way too much, having drunk way too much already, with a job interview in the morning & more to memorize after that, and none of it fucking matters because I’m not FULFILLING MY TRUE PURPOSE, whatever that means.
(Hello double well-whiskey neat.)
After mushrooms & the non-molly ecstasy associated with that, I went two weeks without a sip of alcohol, and then a few days more without a drunk. But then the dejection of living this fucking existence hit (mainly failing at my occupation) and I got piss drunk & wrung out a couple days in a row. At least I read a book or two during it.
I am a man who spent his entire life being told how goddamned smart & clever he was, even today HOW THEY MARVEL at the silly stupid insignifcunt fuckall I have roiling around inside my gooey head squish. (Look! It drips like pus from mine ear with yellow genius.)
I am a man who has never striven or toiled for more than mediocrity — and I’ll get it, too.
Hatred for all mankind, and myself foremost as the chief representative I know.
Goddamn it, there’s no god or damnation.
So tomorrow I go to sit & charm with bloodshot eyes & tongue of sandpaper, dead skin shedding like lizard scales, dead brain pretending it has something electric bouncing around inside it, and ultimately it doesnt matter whether I get it or not because I’ll still drink too much no matter what, and still fuck & eat pussy instead of do chores, & still think about what I ought to be doing, reading, writing instead of doing it actually. And I’ll continue to live & drift closer to the grave instead of dancing on the earth.
Fuck this miserable fuckall everything.
Fuck this, too.