June 2015: To be drunk is to feel more central to the universe than otherwise deserved

by maddrunkgenius

June 25, 2015
Familiar patterns once fallen into are difficult to
scramble up from.
——I ought to say, ‘This isnt working out. We need
——to figure out where we’re going to live in a few
——months — separately.’ But I am a coward.
I cant manage incremental progress or change except
in one direction: time. Even that I pretend isnt happening.

I’m trying to be a more mature person
(sometimes). But really the goal is to find
moderation — not to be hateful w/ people I
disagree with. Probably all that means is to be
numb to more things.
——There’s no one left to text.

My computer has crumpled at last, not
more than five and a half years later.
——I dont know what I expected I could
——produce for others.
Everything loved by anyone is hated
by someone.
——Even Kafka & Virgil wanted their
——thoughts consumed by fire.
Why should anyone want to hear what
another mediocre white guy has to say?

——All the office girls are attractive but
——probably for no reason more so than
——that my bits & routines still are new
——so I feel fresh w/o actually changing.
————Eight or 10 years on someone is an
————effective substitute for cleverness.
——Loving is easier than living with.
I have a set of skills so unmarketable as
to call into question use of the word ‘skill’.
——To be drunk is to feel more central to
——the universe than otherwise deserved.
One wonders what sort of central importance
the honey ant feels, suspended upside-down
abdomen swelling with force-fed sugars.
——I never made it to high school
——parties. And now hope never to.
There’s a lot of courage in quitting.
——I keep acting as tho I want to be the
——’good man’ while knowing no one
——is ever right to call me so.
On occasion, I gamble, but even more
rarely wager money.
——Let the good times scroll.
Every drunk person is ineffably annoying
except yourself & the person (you think) wants
to fuck you.
——What a beautiful word: ‘pussy’.

There are no magic words.                               That’s the way it has
That includes ‘I’m sorry’.
                                to be. Some at the top &
——I’m making love in the morning.   most on bottom.
                                                                  ——But the floor & ceiling
The last one is always a mistake             ——neednt be so far apart.
come morning time.  I wreck strangers’ oyster shells.
——There’s nothing shameful about reality. This is a diary of really
——‘Is’ overtakes ‘ought’ every time.         embarrassing stuff stated outright
I hope to have avoided maudlin sadness   & mundane details in cryptography.
——Automatons with clumsy straw-stabbing 
Why does the red pen
——faces — the end of revelry drunk.
                  fade so everywhere?
I also dont want to go home but cant stay.  All things fade.
——Alcoholism is not automatic.                  Water is the body’s gold.

June 26, 2015
Atheism is not a belief system. But to the
religious, theirs is not, either.
——I dont know how to just be Ok with
——all this.
It’s not only the sheep that get fleeced.
——Not all sellers know their product is snake oil.

It needs to be OK that journalism is over.

I’m very tired w/ just
about everything & I know
that’s a one thing, not an
everything thing.
——I can do most anything
——half-assed except getting
——shitfaced. I get my whole
——ass shitfaced.
Fortune smiles in
hindsight only.
——I terribly want for other
——people to, due to me,
——be marginally happier.
The night was no
darker than those
preceding, the ground
no colder than always
was. But the mind
had no access to its
states preceding.
——How can I learn
——to be?

I’ve done a lot of very stupid things in my life
But I started about eight years too late.
——Am I alive? Am I living?
How do I end things with someone who has
done nothing wrong but be emotionally honest?
—— (Because it’s not the honesty at fault but
——the reality underlying.)
Fear is irrational, always, b/c the horribleness of
a thing experienced is never like the worry-fear
——‘There are four lights’ — a discussion.
Street lights need to get their shit together.
——Obliteration is not a goal but a means.
‘Corn is a-maize-ing.’
——What is, is. There is no ‘why’ sufficient.
When you love someone who loves you,
all is right with the world.
——I’m hungry for supersonic metal.
The best things in life are habit-forming.
——‘We’ll give you a chance to collect yrself,’
——said the King to Humpty Dumpty.
‘Again, from the top,’ the soul heard.
——The lost cant be found wanting.
Acoustic nite at the punk bar: bearded white dudes
singing about women lost to time & circumstance.
——I greatly enjoy having no one to answer to.
I care about the unborn only in the aggregate;
for the dead only as an inheritor.

——We crossed oceans unable to imagine
——the universe visible & invisible.
Math continues where imagination fails.
——I’m piss drunk but still pushing shit in
——at oyster shoving.
The world is sticky hot, like a
day drunk at nite.

——If there were another way, I’d surely be on it.