August 2015: If I cant just get a little high tonite, I ought to get real drunk

by maddrunkgenius

Aug. 6, 2015
The lights are too dim, but you get used to it.
——The difference between an art museum & art for sale
——at posh coffee shops & cocktail lounges is the exhibitions
——occasionally change at the museum.
What luck that we wake together in this universe with our shared consciousness!
——’But to conclude our previous conversation…’
Bringing a child to watch performance art is like playing Russian Roulette
with a few rounds of formative trauma chambered.
——I wish I hadnt taken the index cards out of my pocket.
How nice would it be if imagination pierced space-time on its way to
burst open new realities?
——Maybe God really is wholly beneficent, but humanity is just
——supporting cast & the screenwriter is lazy.
‘I think I’m doing better and happier now, but that may just be the
antidepressants talking.’
——I dont have the good things inside me other
——people seem to believe.
——It’s encouraging to think maybe this is true
——of all people.
In the future even trolling will be outsourced—to cheaper humans, then
cheaper algorithms, then LARPing/VARPing metahuman re-enactors.
——’I claim this land for spite.’

It’s very hot and the smell of fresh white paint drying works with the temperature to make you lightheaded. The only room with something in it has a wool cocoon with a gaping slit visible. It’s all suspended from the ceiling by a chain to be able to swing & twist.

A hand pops out of one of the smaller, hidden slits on the cocoon. It’s out for a bit, waving fingers slowly, but the (apparently) tattooed words on the fingers are too small & far away, or my eyes too poor to read them, anyway.

The performer starts to come out of the big slit a bit later, and I realize that she’s a woman & naked under the wool tufts of red & white.

My first reaction is, ‘Hullo nipple.’ But quick after that comes the thought not to be a base savage & actually focus on the artistry & interpretive dance. But the back of my mind stays always in spitting distance of the internal monologue, and the questions keep floating up, wondering if I’ll get to see how the other nipple looks & whether she shaves beneath the wool. Both get happy resolution, but I know this is not the point of the exhibit.

Also not the point is the GoPro camera set high in one corner & projecting onto the Internet but also onto a wall across the room . It gives me something to look at that cant make eye-contact (I dont like my objectification to involve anyone acknowledging me). But more wonderfully, the lens turned her white skin red to match the other wool.

The first show is more awkward than the second. There are less people. None of the charitable dozen present clap immediately at the end, altho the only performer left w/o a spoken word & the audience needs a while to understand it’s done. The second performance that nite has more people & along with the background music, a guitarist who’s improvising with his distortion pedals as he watches the performance for the first time, too

There’s more energy from the crowd, but the music is leading it, and there’s only one technical glitch to distract, versus the 8 to 10 moments of silence between pre-recorded tracks, and the loose wires on the cocoon clamp, and her hair.

This time, when she leaves & the guitarist stops playing, it’s clear the performance is over, and there’s someone in the room to express gratitude to.


——If the ants take over after us, there wont be any fossil fuels left  I want
——easy enough to get out of the ground w/o using fossil fuels to get them. to get wrecked
How fucking clever do you think you are? b/c I am a wreck.
——The best is yet to appear. This is the last time I’ll forgive you. Yeah? You
Subjective resonance is difficult b/c most people dont vibrate quite as you. think so?
——Flies love shit, but not to raise their children in. I wonder what’s even
It’s classier if the napkins are black. the point of infinite mercy.
——’Let’s just not go home.’ ‘See? There it is. That prickly, fire-
‘I work in a bar, so I never go to bars.’ breathing cunt we all love.’
——There’s so much mustache moisture. Please. Dont tell my father.
Buying someone a drink & expecting conversation is putting
an insulting price on someone’s time. My uncle always loved
——We all come from fire. to watch me do gymnastics.
Eating pussy is yeoman’s work. Ha ha, that’s good.
——Technique is less important than work ethic Fuck
——once you’re on a project. But the project what
——you’re on depends on everything else. you thought
That depends on your definition, I suppose. you deserved.

——Stuck outside waiting on bus-guests to arrive with the host & his key. ——Too loud & only rum. But the daddy long legs are not venomed.
Visitor from Ohio, a Mick(y), a writer. Not the rose’s but she wishes so.
Styles of magical realism & other such. Received the gift of index cards.
——Hot wheels on the wall, cardboard  bricks on the table.
——Volumes 2 & 3 & 6 leatherbound Calvin & Hobbes collections, but
——the robots can pick thru the maze.
Constant drifting from places w/ too many people to those w/ less or none.
——’Drama drama drama!’ What a stupid way to describe people awful to another. The distinction is that
——w/ drama, you know people will act it out in many future retellings.
‘Privilege’ is being able to make someone feel like shit using only a few uncreative slurs
while they need an eloquent dissertation & receptive audience to return the feeling.
B/c one has the sledgehammer weight of history & power structures w/ them in each swing;
the other has popsicle sticks that can smart a bit but do little actual harm.

——It’s much more fun to play video games & watch anime. But buying late nite food is hard while high.
——And the food is harder.
‘A thin mattress trumps a snooze button.’
——I still dont understand Matroid theory.
‘He’ll be the nicest guy in the frat, but he’ll still be in a frat.’

Every thought a repetition, triter.
——There’s no beauty to be created, found, or had.
I wish everything didnt make me hate it so.
——’I dont want you anymore.’
Didnt you always know?
——My feelings are my own.

We say a lot of things we dont really mean & keep to ourselves what’s meaningful.
——Hardly anything comes out the way it’s supposed to.
Who else is scorned like a dentist?
They’re lepers who golf.
——A gorilla is only as strong as its gut.
The universe recognizes no karma but entropy.
——Winning doesnt excuse everything; it just makes
——the need for excuses unnecessary.
The gays & atheists have no place in the locker room,
but punching men & women is no distraction.
——Not reparations, not affirmative action, just compensation.
For dogs, it’s all gray areas.
——’I am’ becomes ‘I was’ becomes ‘she will’.
Everyone is fraudulent, to the world & their self.

Aug. 17, 2015
————Everyone wants to believe they’ll change the universe
————But the only universes to take notice are in other people’s
————skulls. See tho how she gets used to it?
——Intriguing ways of interacting platonically.
————The quarry is ever-expanding.
——Dream big. But remember to wake up & act a little.
Metric isnt suited to language. To self-harm!
——Why tattoo a flag of Cascadia on your arm?
Turns out the flies were in the battle as well as in my glass.
——Being asked why I’m not a journalist any more is a thumbpoke
——in a scab that keeps bleeding.
I lost the ability to take not of & describe the minutiae of life.
——He borrowed a pen & sheet of paper b/c he hit a car.

Aug. 18, 2015
——It shouldnt be so hard to be good to those around you.
To his credit, he ate what he killed.
——You’re only a credit to your race if people are racist to the rest.
‘Everyone is so nice here’ is said only by a young woman
who doesn’t yet realize everyone wants to fuck her, and tourists.
——Yeah man.
A woman walks out of a bar, seeing-stick preceding &
swaying before her. ‘Is she good to drive?’
——We move back home when our ambition has been exhausted by failure
——& age has made familiar comfort more enticing than new excitements.
Shed your skin & let the world hurt you everywhere. The
scabs & callouses will come to protect you soon enough.
If you can get thru the next 10 minutes, you’ll always be OK.
Did you think some god would audit your life?
There’s just you and whatever conscience you have,
then silence about it, or at least forever deafness.
——Each action, reaction, piece & bit.
Why do I keep convincing myself things are going
to get better? Is that what you thought this was?
——Forty-one pieces of silver, 18 shekels loaned.
She was always laconic when getting hit on.
——There girl from Austin accepted no free drinks,
——but bought one for the buyer instead.
How fucking awful is life that we had to invent
religion? Freedom isnt free. It requires a lot of money.
——Abstinence is self-harm, but there’s no injury
——in abusing yourself.
We had an OK day. We did our job. We kept
to the script. We picked up the pieces. And swallowed.
——’Gotta make that call.’ Home is where your
What fucking luck to be born white & male heart’s hid.
——Are you lost or did you come here to find yourself?
‘How much do people usually do?’ ‘Nothing.’ I like my drinks to
——You thought I was joking? include some death.
Apply yourself steadily & you’ll find some success
if not great success. You’re defined by your regrets.
——She’s not the one. And no one is.
My head was early filled with many flavors of nonsense,
so that now tho my capacity is larger, it will never again feel
as complete as once it did.
——I dont remember what I’m trying to hold on to.
And in desperation, I’m going to angle
for marriage. Come on. Everyone knows already.
As much as I can tell it seems like my drunk ‘I love you.
writing is definied by increased confidence to make But that
sweeping statements that hold power by way of certainty. means I want
——It’s OK to fail. But do your best not to fail someone else
——other people. to love you instead.
It’s hard to imagine taking care of a family when I dont
even think I could water a plant reliably.
——Wolf loping, coyote skulking.
People used to read the absurd ramblings I put
to print each week! Everything changes, but your
——I dont know why I blame so many things lifetime
——for my stupid cowardice. is of limited scope.
I’ve paid for my alcoholism the honest way. I’ve earned it.
——Bloody hands can disappear in soap &
——& water.
Just do whatever comes unnaturally.
——A mountain goat cant climb a social ladder.


Baldheaded white man in a red, white, black & yellow knit cap
& Charlie Bro1wn shirt. More than six foot but maybe not 60 yet.
Beads on his neck move w/ him.
——Short baldheaded white man in green shirt. Bespectacled
——like the former. But both getting down to reggae.
Young white guy’s phone stays on in his pocket,
lights up the plaid shorts.
——The warm up band has a black lead singer/guitarist
——but the rest of the band isnt. There are lots of
——dreadlocks in the crowd to match his, but all other locks
——have their source in fairer scalps.
It’s a real, non-ironic thought process that if I cant
just get a little high tonite, I ought to get real drunk.