September 2015: Write every day, till arthritis steals the fingers & senility the mind

by maddrunkgenius

Sept. 19, 2015
I’m now free to indulge my self-destructive impulses.
——The point of liberty is to allow for bad decisions.
————’No,’ she said,’ things can always get worse.’
————’Yes,’ he said,’ but at some point you stop caring.’
——I look like I need a hug, but instead I’d
——like a pitcher.
If our father in heaven is the sort of perfect we ought
to be, the bar has not been set out of reach.
——Their proposals are a little short on specifics.
Half the time, I wish time went by more slowly.
The rest of the time, existence is only bearable
knowing it’ll end soon (enough).
——I dont drink myself sick; the drinking just
——brings it out.
‘A micropenis is more than an outie.’

I got to talk to an episcopal minister
& discuss the divine feminine.
——What horrors await? Nothing more
——severe than what’s already been
——endured for ten thousand generations
——unabated.
What if a sadist created a device
capable of simulating suffering in
the artificial being contained within it,
& on a scale many more times intense
than our reality & physical bodies
constrain? What if that’s why
our universe exists?
——I worry about the future, yet the
——present is never so overwhelming upon
——arrival to justify the anxiety of anticipation.
I have my own brand of joyous misery.
——The key to keeping yourself alive is to ask
——’why’ less & ‘why not’ more. Except
——about suicide.
‘Dont be a jerk.’
——’He’s a misery sponge.’
‘That’s weird. I dont like that. … And you just double click
to get that? I dont like that.’
——’What are you wearing? Come hug me.’
‘Fuck fascism.’ But only because it’s a loser.
Success finds no shortage of acolytes.
——My head hurts till I drink more. But then it
——hurts again later.
Havent you had enough yet?
——I wonder if Jesus was actually a cool guy.
‘They say horror punk, but I’m not sure.’

——Life, or at least human experience, is so fetishistically
——concerned with meaning & importance tho little
——pain or triumph gets even temporarily self-remembered
——and eventually all is destroyed w/o record.
The warble proves the suitor’s eligibility;
future suitors, the value in the test
.
——Arent you satisfied w/ being alive, or did
——natural selection favor ennui to ensure strife
——might propagate itself? ‘Is that what you want?’
All love is self love. All hate, self hate. But comedy
is a surprise create elsewhere, realized in you.
——He screamed earlier for perhaps a minute, to no
——clear end. But as lead singer, the purpose
——reveals itself. ‘What I want is irrelevant.’
Green dreadlocks, an exhortation to write (petitely).

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
write more
and keep it tiny…

All words are tiny & disappear
in absence of someone to read them.
Then one day they’ll all disappear
& the information viruses w/ them.
——Civilization is the propagation of
——this virus & procrastination of
——the universe’s momentum
——toward local entropy.
Music is proof organization
seeks to extend itself &
chaos / patternlessness will have
at least a few minutes to reign
again here.

An insect-machine, suited well to its purpose.
——The program alters only slightly &
——under great, persistent pressure.
It’s heartening that, despite my failures & willful
infertility, I’ve been a host to trillions of microbrial
lives, absorbed their waste products to continue my
existence, & yet when that ends, the bounty that
my immune-less flesh will provide shall be an even
more tremendous feast. The year is a mountain’s
——’Dont you think I deserve it?’ breath.
‘You drink a lot.’ The water was cut open.
——The class reunions of the world are filled
——with indispensable friends.
I dont find courage at the pitcher’s empty, but
zest, for life, death & all the between.
——Write every day, till arthritis steals the fingers
——& senility the mind.

Every ‘going’ becomes a ‘went’, but some die first as ‘would have’.
——I see some people all the time in different parts of town, but never try
——to introduce myself b/c/ of how awkward it’d be to ignore them after.
A cartridge is not a fashion accessory, nor are 200.
——Everything is exactly as it is.
All music is better in a foreign language b/c words
then exist solely as sound.
——My body is better at leaking pus now than ever before.
A fracture in my bones harms only your mirror neurons.
——What responsibility has the creator to the creation?
Language is trying to describe things specifically enough to be
meaningful but broadly enough to be understood. Or vice versa.
——A shovel for a microphone stand. A guitar slammed.
‘My advice is to be temporary. And you’re
already following it.’
——She wrote her compliment w/ her backhand.
Trite! Trite! My every thought & being.
Chemistry & geology make a sense I dont comprehend.

9/27
Procrastination is a prayer beseeching no one.
——You cant get blood from a stone, but you can
——get a cactus.
Not having a dedicated wall-charger for my phone
is effective portioning, keeping me stuck with my own
thots instead of streaming someone else’s.
——If a future that addresses climate change inflicts
——electricity rationing to do so, I wont endure it.
There was a moment of energy & inspiration
when I might have made a run at making something
truly good.
——I continue to live on the corpse of 2010.
Can I create something new within myself if
I continue to change enough around it?

My stupid fucking useless pens. Stupid fucking useless everything.
——Sleep is not welcome here, only the dead.
The main appeal of alcohol in a social setting is to make
other drunks tolerable.
——I’ve forgotten almost all I’ve ever been.
Today was a waste of money spent, more unearned & all wasted.
——If you show up at a bar late enough & sober, no one is attractive.
Arent you that guy who…?
——Sometimes you stay with a person for love, loyalty other times.
——But when you stay to make it into the will, that’s probably not
——going to happen.

What impact can I make on people w/ my time left?
——Confidence is more important than any other factor to gain
——a following. People w/ doubts care most about sureness & all
——else after. But leadership requires self-awareness, too.
Just fucking do. Inaction is a choice, as well.
——You dont always remember the stuff you do while drunk,
——but you do it anyway to get in situations you couldnt otherwise.

——’I’m definitely allergic to almonds, apples…’
I dont feel any happier. But I feel free to be unhappy.
——Get fucking wrecked on the weekend to make the weekdays
——tolerable by comparison.
Absalom had the right of it.
——What is the beast inside that craves more poison?
It’s a lucky thing that my brain has let go of my worst behavior.
——I can only do so much, you know?
All this self-awareness & criticism would be all right if only it
produced any result at all beneficial instead of being a different
flavor of the same shittiness it was noting.
——The older you get, the less range your ears have, your eyes
——have. Your sense of poetry & wonder must go the same way.
The world is a shitty place, but we’re the only ones who feel
that way about it, or can change it.