Piss in my bed, piss on my life
On a Friday, I lost my job & with it my healthcare.
On Monday, I learned that my longterm ex had been sleeping with my housemate, and that his infidelities in their relationship—and her complaints about him doing so as her direct superior—led to his firing & her continued mental breakdown.
On Wednesday, I learned my teeth are in need of much attention that will need dental coverage I probably can’t afford.
Thursday morning I awoke to find a sexual partner had drunk herself to excess & pissed herself in her asleep (again).
Thursday afternoon, a woman who’d just gotten out of a break-up let me know that when she wanted to hang out with me, she had no sexual interest implied.
Very little in this actually related. All of it feels like it is.
These are the dark times, and I don’t know how to keep myself from plunging into it. The winters at this latitude actually are dark. I don’t know how to handle the 4:30 p.m. sunsets this time around.
Being laid off from my job, mostly because I admitted I didn’t have enough work to do & wanted more, is the most hurtful thing. I gain almost all of my sense of self & value from the capitalistic valuation of my talents. But also, I legitimately enjoyed what I was doing, and I only ever wanted more to do & acknowledgement or guidance in what was useful.
Learning that my housemate & friend had engaged in a relationship with my ex was hurtful less for the fact that they saw one another than the shittiness I feel at ever discussing my past relationship with someone who was currently seeing her, or just had been. Intimacy is terrifying for just that reason; by betraying the trust of someone I had cared about with someone who was currently being intimate with them, I feel like an awful person.
They destroyed one another.
He cheated on her & made her work environment toxic. Ultimately, her mental health declined in direct relation to that, and she has been a wreck since.
She (rightfully) notified the company they worked for about his behavior, sleeping with subordinates & fellow supervisors both. He’d done it many times before, and finally his chickens came home to roost.
For me, the hurt was not the two of them seeing one another & temporarily making each other happier. That’s a good thing.
But someone I thought was my friend behaved in a way that was anything but, and lied to me by commission & omission both to describe his relationships as they were ongoing & the reasons for his termination.
Someone who had been a lover treated me in the worse way she knew how. Afterward she contacted me outraged that I would dare to sleep with someone she had met once before & was at the time unemployed before becoming her co-worker. The worst thing she could imagine me doing was fucking someone she knew, and she decided to date someone living in my house.
It hurts to be hated, and to have a relationship built on false pretenses.
Everyone has their reasons for behaving as they do; I am not a nice person. I have betrayed many people many times. I have done many shitty things, and I have forgiven myself enough to continue living with myself.
We’re all entirely capable of justify the shitty things we do to ourselves, and explaining why we don’t need to be honest or behave differently.
But it hurts to be hated. And when I fall into the dark times, everything is another tail on the flail of self-flagellation. I am not useful enough to keep a job. I am going to be consigned to poverty & check-to-check forever. I cannot attract bed-mates except those who are so inebriated they will piss themselves lying next to me. No one who is resembling sober would like to sleep with me. The coming darkness will last forever.
I have no desire for medication because the good days are so very good. I am so completely happy, so completely competent, and I feel like someone who is purposeful, meaningful. I cannot imagine sacrificing that feeling for anything.
But the dark times are so very dark.
There’s piss in my bed. Those I once loved hate me so.
I am not sure I am a match for winter.