Everything terrible thing that happened once can happen again, & worse

by maddrunkgenius

——It aint been a year in this margin quite but nearly & may as well.
I’ll switch to a narrower pen in just a line.
——I never know what I want except that it’s always the other thing.
There’s a woman at this bar, lead singer of a damn good band, and she
asked for my number twice, texted at me twice, then ignored me. I dont
fuckin know what she after, but I’m too tired to put any work in to figurin
it out. Maybe that’s what she’s after & if so, good call by her.
——The band playing just now is good enough, but he cant really play
——Roger Miller worth a damn
‘The lead singer has laryngitis.’ Aint that just the way.

——I think my housemate’s girlfriend is back on heroin, and
——really, I dont give a shit cept I think she aint so
——so far away from stealing our house’s shit
——stead of just bein nearly late on (his) rent.
‘You can break up, y’all can move out, or she can
go out whorin, but this trajectory aint sustainable,’ is not
a conversation I care to have, and I’ll be goddamned if
I’m gonna have it sober.
——My ex was a former heroin addict.
Our ex was, rather.
——He & I aint much talked much about it outright.
——I wasted three years of her life; he was her boss
——& fucked around on her with another boss.
She’s still in my dreams. Seems more lately than before. I hope
she got a new job & career; I hope she found someone wonderful
who’ll love her better’n I did. Make her happier’n I could. We
were happy a long damn time, and still I love her.  But when she
sneak back in my life thru the nitescape of dreams, it aint ever
for anything happy. It aint the good times or happy things shared;
it aint as if we’d be good together again. She only bothers to show up
in my head when she aint OK, and probably I’m most upset at my
housemate for making it less likely she’s doing OK instead of more.
——This isnt without justification, but mainly it’s projection. I could
——have made sure she’d be OK, but I chose not to & go about it in
——the worst way.
Now, I’m with someone who makes me happy,
but she isnt in the family-gathering photos
of the siblings still friends with me on FB.
——This is unhealthy. Probably, our relationship
——was unhealthy. But I always knew that,
——and any pretentions otherwise were a lie &
——waste of her time. 
Youth is wasted on the old.

I dont give a shit whether the restroom says Men or Women;
I just need to piss. My dislike of bathroom bills is more built
on gender neutrality than gender identity. It’s OK if you’re turned on.
——Also, someone pulled my notebook over to read
——it while I was gone. They were too drunk to be
——surreptitious, so I bet they forget & take nothing
——from it. For a brief moment, they felt like shit
——but that’s the thing about drunks: you cant learn
——them a single goddamned thing.

Gender dynamics are what they are, tho. I can fuck around for
forever & a day, and if I should one day decide to procreate,
by god, 60-year-old me can manage that. I waste the
precious time of people on a deadline & wonder why they
never forgive me. Are you more what you do or what happens to you?
——My grandmother is dying, and I find myself most frustrated
——by my inability to lean-in to being awful. My parents
——infected me with the Golden Rule, and I have been unable
——to shake myself from it forever after. Violence for women?
I often wonder what sort of person I might have been if my
parents had been awful instead of kind & good. This is why I value
nurture-circumstance so much. The baking is more controllable than
ingredients (for now). I just think I’m dying too gradually, you know?
——I never wore pearl snaps in Texas. Go on, shoo.
Anyway, I am not a misery sponge, I dont think. 
Everything terrible
But often it does seem like I’m the Exxon-Valdez of that happened
something toxic. once can happen again, & worse.
——Telling someone you need them is the express lane to
——them leaving you. God doesnt ‘allow’ suffering; it’s why
‘What is it about bald men & beards?’ we exist at all.
——At present, I have more pussy than I know what
——to do with, with persons attached than I can satisfy.
——Still, at the bar I trawl for more. And I dont even want
——to get off. I’m not a sex addict; I’m an emotionally stunted coward.
——The first part is easy; I’ve got lots of practice, and I’m real good.
——It’s everything after that goes wrong, no matter how much I warn
——them. 
I wouldnt worry too terribly much about retirement.
I am incapable of describing my past sins w/o altering the narrative
to turn myself into the aggrieved protagonist.
——Mysterious fucking scribbler in the corner. Seductive inanity.
I contribute nothing to society except criticism of things I cant
improve. If I drink enough coffee now, I’ll sleep but light-like.
——I know now I’ll sleep tomorrow rather than do anything good.
Some not-small part of me goes to bars to drink precisely so I can
do the things I say I dont want sober.