You’ve loved this much before & know how it ends

by maddrunkgenius

Knowing & behaving are cousins, but only
kissing cousins. To be fair, well, we already lost.
——Whores know better than to kiss on the
——mouth. That’s how you mix up work & love,
——esp. when both are pleasurable. But I havent
——learned that yet, or ifI have, I cant
——quit doing it. You cant come back.
There is inside me a powerful critic, good & useful
& worthwhile when pointed at a great many things.
But at myself, in a depression, it is nothing but a
magnificent rot, spreading horrible into everything, esp.
what I love. The peculiar genius is to connect all
that makes me happy back to some triggering incident of
unhappiness. ‘Your grandmother is dying & you’re too
old to be enjoying cartoons.’ ‘Your family is in pre-mourning,
and you dont even bother to tell them about those you
love or why.’ ‘Everything you write is embarrassing,
not just too you but anyone who is connected to you.’
——Your happiness is no less worthy.
I dont see how ‘I ruin people’ is a good addition to my
resume, no matter how accurate it is. She knew better.
——I’ve never worried that I would die &
——not be found till late putrefaction set in.
——By then, why would I worry? But I have
——fretted over instructions I’d need to leave for
——someone discovering my body, & who to call, &
——whether the shower with curtain pulled closed
——would make the least mess for everyone.
————‘You deserve this’ also is a lie.
An especially bothersome thing about aging is
you stop experiencing & begin to experience ‘again’.
You’ve loved this much before & know how it ends.

Genius—worth, even—is all the doing. And I do nothing.
I used to be somebody — but that’s not even true. Once I was
on a promising trajectory to be somebody, and long ago, I bumped
myself off of that. You gain the traits you pursue. Errant courage.
——It’s good to be uncomfortable in life: without it, growth is nearly
——impossible. But relationships are not a space where things out to be uncomfortable.
——You ought to enjoy the person you’re with as a respite against all else.
——Growth happens all the time but most severely between relationships,
——wandering between Egypt & the Promise Land. United in barbarism.
There’s a small circle of my closest friends, and they failed as well tho
some did make a heaven of their hells. Reality is grim enough.
——Drinking past the first bottle of wine, trying not to send texts to K,
——L, S, C, D or V esp. So far tonite I’ve been successful.
I dont have enough words in me & never did, but in the past
I didnt know it. And now I do. Some days you pursue
the bear; some days, the bear pursues you.
——I dont miss her, but I fear she is not happy. And that I have been
——some significant part of her unhappiness.
Surely I’ll have to be sober to do anything final with myself. But I dont
know why this should be so. The domestic dame dominates.
——I’m going to die alone, and that’s for the best.