Don’t pass out with your sandals on

by maddrunkgenius

According to tradition, Noah was the first one to discover you could take the blood of grapes fermented and get yourself stone naked drunk.

This is yet another reason we know not to take the Bible literally. Antediluvian humans may well have lived for hundreds of years, but they could not have endured all of those years sober.

Age accrues like barnacles, weighing down the flesh and mutilating it with all manner of horrors. The Lord said the upper bound for a lifespan would be six score, but He only deemed it necessary to provide youth for one-and-a-half of them, only designed a spine to handle walking upright for 40 years. After that, just pain. Joints that scream, eyes that retreat into darkness, ears that fail to hear high or low till you’re in a muffling fog.

Or maybe that’s why 500-plus-year-old Noah was in such a bad mood and willing to curse one his three sons, progenitor of a third of the future human race, after he was the one to get piss drunk and pass out in a stupor. Maybe he woke up still drunk and was slurring the whole time.

Then again, if Ham saw Noah didn’t have his shoes on, house rules say it’s a dick move to fuck with them, even if they’re passed out and especially if they’re in their own vineyard.