mad drunk genius

I used to have all sorts of problems. Now there's just the one.

Tag: sobriety

Everything changes but nothing really does

For a while now, I’ve felt like an ersatz human.

I do the things people are supposed to do
& say what they’re supposed to say,
within limits

‘I don’t like to do things I don’t like to do’
but if it doesn’t hurt me, why shouldn’t I
do something to increase Others’ happiness?

So, I try to compliment pets, for their owners,
go out of my way
to be kind to them
even tho I really don’t care for small dogs
or cats

If you don’t love someone’s cat,
they hold it against you.
They expect their cat, above all others, to be different

So I try to behave like someone who enjoys cats.

I ask people at work about their lives
even tho I don’t care about it.
I maintain friendships
with people I don’t really miss

Soberly, I don’t really miss anyone.
Not family, not lovers, not co-workers, not friends.
Seeing someone again,
I might remember what was
but not in absence

‘Old age is a form of leprosy.’
The numbness is growing.
It didn’t used to feel
like such a strain to do the normal things,
but now it does

That’s no excuse to behave otherwise,
to make others unhappy,
but I expected it to get easier,
not harder.
I feel old & very tired. Every day is exhausting

I don’t know that living
genuinely would make me any happier.
It would just involve being rude & selfish,
externalizing waste products
that are my duty to keep siloed

It’s happened before,
this long-rising dissatisfaction.
It peaks
or maybe plateaus
and suddenly, consistently, I don’t want to do anything anymore.

Everything changes but nothing really does

I need to start seeing a therapist regular
I don’t know what that will help.
It is the healthier thing to do than not,
Or so I’m told

Externalizing my consistent desire to self-terminate,
how everything I do is just a way to be productive
& good rather than die
has not yet helped.

Reading what I’ve written in the past, I was never happy

I used to be terrified of dying.
I thought I’d go to Heaven & live forever and ever.
Couldn’t sleep at nite as a kid.

But oblivion,
no longer having to exist
to endure consciousness,
is damn comforting

Right now
what keeps me alive is not owning a gun
(the best self defense)
and that solving my own problems
would not solve anyone else’s,
just make more

I would really hate to leave a mess

Sober hallucinations are the strangest

I had this same thing sketched out on one of my favorite notebooks, but it was one of the big reporter’s notebooks, so it fell out of my pocket at some point, and I never noticed it till day’s end, and it was lost.

But it was about a strange thing, to hallucinate while not high or drunk.

Read the rest of this entry »

May 2012: I’ve never had enough yet.

‘Darling, I have not caught whiff of your perfume or sight of your direct self in three weeks. I would enjoy a real conversation with mutually smiling teeth. Your friend can be in town, even that kind of friend, and it changes not my yen. But I desire the luxury of your proximity as like to turn me mad. ‘

It did not work of course but I was more satisfied in my words than she’d have made me.

(Said the fox too short to reach tall grapes.) Read the rest of this entry »

February 2012: Thankfully, sobriety is only a transitory state.

I suppose it’s OK to want things you can’t have so long as you don’t want them very badly. Or have alcohol.

——God, he’s eating girls out in the bathroom. Again.

  • I honestly was put on this earth to do three things: write, drink and eat pussy.
  • Occasionally I write about eating pussy while I’m drunk.

Read the rest of this entry »