mad drunk genius

I used to have all sorts of problems. Now there's just the one.

Tag: women

It’s OK. I know it is

I’m in a relationship. I have been for coming up on two years, and it’s been healthy & amazing & surprising in oh so many ways.

I have fun, certainly. I love her, and she loves me. She takes care of me & makes me happy. What else is there or could be?

But I cant commit.

It’s the stupidest fucking thing, too. I can always say, ‘Three months from now, it’ll all be over.’ And that makes everything OK. But six months more of anything is abominable.

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My memory is a lash

——’I can still feel my face so
——I’ll take another double.’
It’s plenty to see green things
curl & unfurl in fractal ecstasy
——My beer hand wasnt as cold as
——my cigarette hand, somehow.
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Youth should be left to the young, not exploited

I’ve got an eyelid palpitation that just won’t go away. I’ve got long distance vision that recedes, only, and fuzziness that hides everything that ain’t palm distance away.

I’ve got regrets! Things that have got behind me, and as much as I try rewind them, reality don’t work that way, even shrooming in the shower, or trying real hard.

‘Darlin, I don’t get to have you in my life.’ What a hard thing this is to accept. Living has consequences, and mutually exclusive alternatives seem evermore significant as the branching existence spreads further apart, and more verdant, always (we tell ourselves).

There are always young people nearby that may be tricked, fooled, bamboozled into wasting their youth on you, but tho you bathe in their blood, you gain yet nothing from it.

Find someone your age, your maturity, your match, and grow flabby, soft, saggy with them. Learn from them as much as you learn from the rest of life, and drink up their flesh with the understanding that happiness is the greatest toner of all.

(But She’s gone. And all there is is texting.)

What more do I want?

——I just want somewhere where I can
——go to be religious without being
——spiritual.
Oh no! Bacon wasted by a floor-fall.
——Christ-mass, a whole mess of it.
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Everything the same still is different.

Lost, groping, throwing myself of anyone’s stupid pity to
tell me where is best to go, & when.
——Drinking too much before first flight with US Army
——soldier & infantryman Stephen Hawkins, uniformed & flying to
——Dallas to meet his fiance & family for the holidays tho she is
——newly pregnant & he is newly stationed at Fort Lewis & turned
——on to Candy Crush-ish games by that fiance.
Mother of boy, now engaged to his father, sits with us. She, too, lived in
sin. Her religious parents also will need to get used to it.
——Soldier buys Jagerbombs after Guinness  not available for Irish car bombs.
—— I buy us Maker’s on the rocks to feel less an asshole, but he’s on four
——hours drunk at not yet 1 PM. The bar has been high set.

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‘I dont want to mess you up if yr on a roll’ / ‘I dont have anything’

I dont know. I want to write something with purpose, something with a structure that can have some sort of message or at least plot. And  I cant even do that currently. Not even close, even.

What’s happened?

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Marriage is a desire to do life with someone else.

——To wish things arent as they are
——is a useless & unfulfilling thing.
He is 14 & precocious, so it’s cute.
But his sister is not precocious & what
she does in front of him is not so cute.
——The best of the young fathers has no
——children but has uncled three generations.
I have a perverse sense of obligation when
it comes to stated contract.

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Everything is still just as wonderful as I remembered

For weeks, I’d been hoping to get ahold of some Psilocybin mushrooms and sort of turn back the tide of self-obliteration that always builds so much, especially when I’m not writing anything (good). Someone did, and we took them together, and life got better.

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Hanging judges fill the benches of our minds

——Isn’t it wonderful how much we have compared to other people?
Can I not go where I want?
——What good may I do where I am now? Why go to work?
It’s just inertia & easier to
keep doing than do better.

How long, O Lord, how long?

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Don’t be fooled

So this is the way of things, the always-going-to-be way of things, where people in our each & own individual realms of selfish ambition do behave without regard to anyone else tho we like to tell ourselves we are acting in that way all the time do behave.

Hey! You know what you’re up to. No one else does.

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